"I'm over our long term relationship. No judgement."

Spring cleaning. It has its pits and peaks.

 Pit: Apparently it only comes around in spring, which sucks cause if I left my room for a whole year without a good spring clean, I think you could comfortably call me a hoarder.

Peak: Every time you do you uncover some hidden gems; cell phone charger, hair ties, and your teddy bear you thought had gone off on some overseas adventure…

So, I guess you could say spring cleaning does have some perks.

The other day I was doing a bit of a good old clean up, and came across my folder I put all my written stories into. As you’ve probably (hopefully) discovered… I like to write, and have for a wee while. Actually, fun fact, when I was 10 I started to write a book I got about 30 pages into it, before I decided I just didn’t have the time to continue (don’t ask me why I didn’t have time, I was 10. I had all the time in the world!).

Anyway in amongst the masses of paper, I uncovered one of the poems I wrote a little while back (here’s a little snippet):

 

“You see I looked down on those I thought I was above,

And in my head,

I started to justify it as love.

 

With my distorted view,

I started to think that God looked down on us too,

Only able to come and love a few.

 

Only those like me,

Who knew the verses,

Who knew the bible,

And in my head I was the perfect disciple.

 

It was there I learnt I was an actor,

I’d put my hands up at church,

Sing the right notes,

Like that was the only factor.

 

But my quest to be perfect,

To meet the perfection,

 It only led my mind

Into a sickly infection.

 

Then I’d turn to God and point my finger,

Why’d you make me fat?

Why couldn’t I be smaller?

Because only then,

Could I truly be your daughter.

 

I’d pray and pray,

Oh God, send me a boyfriend,

Oh God, send me an angel,

Because I alone am unable.

 

I knew they wouldn’t help,

I knew it to well,

But my deepest confessions,

To Him I couldn’t tell.”

 

As you have probably gathered, my own perceived judgement of others and myself was something I was really challenged with when I wrote this poem.  But unlike the poem changing it wasn’t as easy as spray and wipe, where BAM and the dirt is gone.

You see it’s easy to judge. It’s easy to look down on others, just because they’re different. I’ll be honest, throughout high school I did just that, look down on others because I thought I was maybe ‘better’ then them. I didn’t do drugs, drink or swear, and those I justified were the things that defined me as ‘better.’

However, looking back it saddens me because I allowed my own judgements and perceptions to be so important, that it left little room to actually see people for who they were. Awesome. Unique. Rich in potential.

You see it’s easy for us to look at someone and stamp a label on. Limit them, or define them. Whether it’s based on actions or their past, I’ve come to learn that limiting others is toxic.

 

Like the poem said:

“With my distorted view,

I started to think that God looked down on us too,

Only able to come and love a few.

 

Only those like me,

Who knew the verses,

Who knew the bible,

And in my head I was the perfect disciple.”

 

As horrid as it sounds, I allowed myself to play the role of God, to be the one who filtered who was good enough. Because of this my perception of church became the place where all the ‘perfect people’ met. It seemed like everyone had it altogether. I mean they smiled and seemed happy. Ironically this contradicted how I actually felt, but I quickly found myself slipping into an ‘act,’ trying to play the ‘perfect little Christian girl’ cause that would mean my real hurts wouldn’t be discovered. It comes as little surprise that because of this, I grew bitter towards the idea of ‘church’ as I lodged my thoughts deeper away.

The irony of it though, was the further I pulled away, the more distant I felt from God and alone as a whole. The truth is God loves real. The performance. The façade. Totally irrelevant, and will not change how much he love us. He sees our hearts, he sees the hurt, and longs to journey with us. Haha he’s cool like that, when we think no one could ever cope with us, he says ‘try me’.

Since high school I’ve come to the conclusion, that I want to be more like Jesus (not because of doctrine, or ‘perfect Christian role model’), but because he was cool. He didn’t allow anything (race, religion, sexual orientation) to define how much he could love or care for someone. That’s the kind of person I want to be, one who loves instead of judges.

However unlike spring cleaning, which comes around once a year, choosing to love instead of judge is a daily decision, but by lying down my pre-conceived ideas and allowing love to be my driving force, it brings a lot peace into life.

Take care cool kids, y’all are awesome.

"I love being Single," said no one....ever.

“I love being Single,” said no one….ever.

 

“I sooooooo want a boyfriend! Someone who I can snuggle up to, and go on cute dates with, and who I can win against in an arm wrestle (because they let me), it would just be so awesome.”

 Now I imagine if you’re anything like me…human? Then there’s a high chance at some point in your life, you’ve been through it, let’s just name it for what it is; the desperate, single moments. Those beautiful moments when you look around and it seems everyone else is in a relationship, and it looks so cute; like they’re off in some fluffy land in the clouds, and then you come back to reality and realise you’re still here. Stuck on the ground, in the rain. Drenched. And alone.

 “Wow thanks,” I imagine you’re saying right now to your pet gecko, “that makes me feel so good about myself.”

But wait, don’t leave yet, I promise there is a silver lining in all this. Trust me.

 

You see, over summer one of my beautiful, a VERY attractive AND still on the market (ultimate wing woman 101), friend and I spontaneously came up with this game called “I’m happy I’m single because… (Insert the cool things you can do if you’re single here):

eg:

 I’m happy I’m single because it means I can go to the cinemas and throw popcorn at couples, who get too PDA-ish and it’s not immature because I’m not trying to impress anyone.

Or

I’m happy I’m single because it means I can go out to dinner half an hour earlier, because I won’t be helping my fashionless boyfriend find SOMETHING else to wear.

And on it goes….

But what was cool about the game was realising that being single ACTUALLY has it perks! Yes it is harder when all your friends are in a relationship or people around you have their little romantic ‘things,’ but I’m coming to learn that realistically, as fun as those things may appear and are, they require a lot of work, time and effort.

Which is why I made a list (love lists), about just some of the perks of Singledom:

1.      Singledom is honestly awesome. It’s a cool period of time where you get to work on you. You get to piece together what you like and what you don’t like. What your passions are. What you want to be when you’re older, and all those important factors.

2.      It is the perfect time to establish and grow into your identity, and being honest, a great time to learn to love yourself. Yes, you are good at what you enjoy doing. Yes, you are talented at that thing. Don’t second guess yourself.

3.      This is a biggie. There is no expectation. You don’t have the pressure to be the perfect girlfriend/boyfriend AND top sports team AND 100% grades AND, while we’re at it, superwoman/man.

4.      Most importantly it is such a critical time to shape who you are as a person.

 I’m gonna be honest, for a long time all through my early teen years I hated being single. All my friends were getting boyfriends and having their first kisses and walking around school together, and it sucked. Legit, it sucked. I felt so out of the loop. But as I got older, something slowly began to change. Although I had never been in relationship, I had seen my friends go through the highs and lows and the break ups, and I saw what an effect these guys had on my friends.

Most of these girls, all strong and beautiful women came out feeling lost and confused, questioning their value. Once again, I reiterate, these girls are stunning! The nicest, prettiest girls, but coming out of the relationship, most of them began to doubt themselves, their beauty and their worth.

 

Looking back now, I am so grateful that I HADN’T (yep, I said it, hard to believe I know) been in a relationship. Sure I would have learnt some really cool things, but I feel more content with myself now, and who I am as a person (I realise this is probably sounding very egotistic at the moment). I know what I like (skiing, writing, reading; if you were curious) and am still learning about the things I’m good at. That’s not to say there aren’t times now, where I wish I had a boyfriend to snuggle up to, of course I would love that, but I am learning that there is still so much I can learn in the place I am right now.

Let’s look at it like this:

If a relationship/business/church/event/whatever is going to function into its fullness, it NEEDS a solid foundation.

I.e.: The motives, goals and values of a company will determine the success of the company.

·         Clear and concise goals and objectives are the factors that change a ‘good’ organisation to a ‘successful’ organisation (learnt that in my PR lecture the other day.)

The same is to be said about a relationship. A relationship isn’t something that starts when you begin/meet someone. It actually starts now, with the most important person: YOU. And it is crucial to remember, that in a dating/engaged relationship you are your own person.

 

It is two INDIVIDUALS coming together, not two HALVES to make a whole, in a relationship.

 

The more I come to grips with this, the more I realise, that out of honour and respect for the guys I will date in future relationships, I need this time of Singledom, to sort myself out enough so I could come into a place where I could cope with my own baggage (insecurities, problems, trials) AND someone else’s.

SO maybe that’s where I leave you today, where are you in your relationship with the most important person in your life: YOU.

·         Are you chasing after the things (sports, academics, music, people etc.) because you love them, or because you feel it is out of obligation?

Lastly, you are actually awesome! I mean that. You are unique, and there is trueness and a beauty concealed within each of you. A little secret: you will like the ‘real’ you, AND so will others, just give them a chance to see it.

 

 

PS: if you’re in a relationship and reading this, kudos to you that’s awesome!!!  I’m sorry if I’ve made you long to be single again…actually, no I’m not. We hear all about how good you’re relationships are and you’re the reason we get jealous, so…yeah. Haha.

No hard feelings right?

That First Step

The First Step

(How guys SORTA see it)

 

Guys are simple. They are not too complex. They like to be told things straight - black and white- and none of this ‘airy fairy’ stuff us girls are infamous for.

With this newfound knowledge, (let’s be honest ladies it’s probably not that newfound, we already kinda knew that guys were simple) it comes as little surprise, that when it’s about relationships/friendships, guys like to be told straight and direct too. They like to know where they sit with girls, none of this beating around the bush.

Now before we jump in a little bit deeper,

                                                Deeper,

                                                            Deeper….

Drat! Now we’re too deep. Oh well, I guess since we’re here, I’ll just have to spill.

Girls. What I am about to say is totally going against everything we have ever been taught from our sisters, mothers and of course, Nicholas Sparks movie adaptions.  But, guys would REALLY appreciate it immensely, if instead of playing our little flirty games (aka. playing hard to get) we were just direct and straight to the point.

“If you like him, tell him”, if he’s potential test the waters with a bit of flirting and see how he responds. If it’s a positive and he’s still talking to you at the end, despite your creepy stares and Cheshire cat grin. It could mean one of three things:

1.      He enjoys talking to you.

2.      You’re a fun person to be around. Stop over analysing the situation and just enjoy it. You’re awesome anyway!

3.      He’s actually only waiting until you’ll finish talking so he can tell you you’ve got a piece of spinach in your tooth (cringe worthy moment 101.)

 

Okay that’s not really that helpful…

 

Let’s look at it like this:

 Guys like to think that they are the initiator, that they’re the ones chasing, making the first moves etc. But do you want to know a little secret ladies? In reality we are.

 

WOAH, WOAH, WOAH POP THE SHOTGUN DOWN, and let me explain.

Imagine this stereotypical scenario: woman sees an attractive man and decides to walk past him, “conveniently” drops handkerchief. The man sees that she’s dropped it and being the gentleman he is, picks it up and chases after her to return it.

Notice how it started. It wasn’t the man who instigated it, it was the woman. SHE, seeing he was a very attractive man and being the sly chica she is, intentionally dropped the handkerchief which left the man with the option to pursue her.

Women, I understand your heart is probably bubbling with fury at such a proposition (mine did too when my guy friends told me that a girl should be the one to tell the guy they like them), but bear with me.

 

You see, guys aren’t as picky as us girls. They don’t whip out the list of ’35 qualities someone must have before I even date them card.’ To be honest when most guys meet a girl (or so I’ve been told by many men) they actually take her into consideration and see her as a ‘potential’. It’s from here that if they get a feeling she might be into them as well, and they are attracted to her, then maybe, just maybe, they might pluck up the courage to ask her out.

But blimey, that must be scary! Telling a girl you like her!

 It’d be like lighting a firework, you’d have no idea if it would be a flop or go off with a bang, because ladies, the reality is we are just so darn picky! We flirt with guys we friend zone, we flirt with guys we like, one moment we’re attracted to them, the next we’re not. It’s BECAUSE of this frivolous behaviour I have come to the conclusion that, ladies we need to wo ‘man’ up and tell a guy if we find him attractive.

End of Story

Wait it’s not actually finishe…d. Ah poos, their goes half of you!

Still not feeling it? Well believe it or not, all the guys that I have talked to have said they think their feelings towards a girl would grow more and they’d feel  more attracted to a girl, if she came straight out and told them she liked them. If this isn’t a good incentive to tell them, I’m not sure what is.

Finally, ladies, just to let you know we are totally in this together. When the guys told me about this I found it SO challenging because I have a tendency to  just sit back from afar and be like ‘ooo I like that person’, and not do anything about it, instead waiting for them to ‘make the first move’, so I guess I too have to be a bit more bold and communicate my feelings a bit more effectively. So defs no hate if you’re afraid or nervous, that makes two of us.

That Awkward Stage...Friend Zone.

Friend zone

(How girls REALLY see it)

Friend zone. We’ve all had some personal experience in this great area of life. Whether it was at school, by a close friend or in kindy, when your crush said he wouldn’t kiss you because you were too ugly…Oh you didn’t have that problem…?  Okay, just me then.

Needless to say, each of us at some point in time has had the honour and heartache of making it into this grey area of a relationship/friendship.

But why is it such a wishy-washy, rarely spoken about topic?

Now as a girl, friend zoning is simple. There are two categories:

 

• Definite ‘Friend zone’: A guy who is totally a friend, there is no attraction whatsoever, and never will be. This is a guy who, if he made a move would get a right old slap across the face, or be deeply scarred by the repulsed look the woman may give him. Guys in this friend zone are safe, because us girls know we don’t have feelings for the guy and so therefore it means he won’t have feelings for us (naïve, I know, but it’s just what we do.)

And then there’s the,

• Other/Potential ‘Friend zone’: This is a tricky one. A girl may say ‘you’re just friends,’ but this doesn’t always mean it’s definite. She may just be experiencing attraction towards you and in order to cope with this, puts you into zone which looks, feels, sounds just like the friend zone. It is SIMILAR to the ‘friend zone, but isn’t the DEFINITE friend zone. This is almost like a POTENTIAL, or box for the guys us girls have a ‘SOFT SPOT’ for. This is why when we play Truth or dare (because we’re all mature young adults) and are asked ‘who we like’ everyone hounds, “saying surely, there’s someone.” Yes there is someone but they are in this ‘potential/soft spot friend zone.’  Every woman has someone in this category.

I imagine by now you’re reading this, shouting at the magazine…”Say what?!? There are two types of friend zone?” Yes, yes there are. I have yet to discover others, so for this period of time I am concluding that these are the dominant two.

After discovering this you can imagine my shock when one of my guy friends said last night, that:

“As soon as a guy thinks he has been friend zoned, he will never go for that girl again.”

This statement obviously took my girl friends and I by surprise, with the initial response being “Crap, but I’ve got plenty of guys who I’ve put into the ‘other friend zone,’ and now you’re telling me they may misinterpret it as DEFINITE FRIEND ZONE, and there will never be a chance…ever!”

So I’m here to clear the air.

Men all over the world (well, probably not the world…I don’t if this magazine has been that widely distributed yet...but who knows what the future holds) regardless, listen to these little things about women I have discovered.

1. Women are complex (you’ve probably already figured this one out on your own, but let it be confirmed.) You will never know everything about us. Besides, we don’t even know everything about us.
2. Now this is a toughie, and not to be applied to every situation, but after to talking to a few girls, they have agreed on this too. If a girl asks for advice about guys, not always, but sometimes this can be a signal that, men, you are NOT FULLY in the friend zone. It does however mean that she trusts you. DON’T JUST ASSUME HER TRUSTING YOU MEANS YOU HAVE BEEN FRIEND ZONED.
3. The best tool you have as a guy is your own instinctual discernment. Men, regardless of what society and media tell you, you are smart and logical! You have a good sense of what’s up, trust your head…but also trust your heart! When you mix the two together you’re unstoppable…well…maybe not unstoppable…oh you get what I mean.
4. Sexually attracted to her=check, and you like her personality, then why not go for it! What’s the worst that will happen?!? The girl will say no, and if she can respect you enough to be honest with you, then that in itself is a testament to why you were attracted to her. Cliché: If it’s right it WILL work out.
5. And finally the best advice I have probably EVER (yes big claim to make) been given! Don’t be someone else’s “No.” eg: “I won’t ask her, cause I know she’ll say no.” What makes you think that?  You haven’t even asked the girl yet, how do you know she’ll say no? You don’t! So stop beating yourself up, you’re better than that, and instead of pondering whether she likes you or not, just hang out with her or ask her on a date and see where it leads. You’re awesome! Believe that!
6. The more I get down this list the more I realise how outlandishly hard it is to compact the woman feelings and thoughts into an easy, step by step guide.

 

Before I go, one final thing:

Men, friend zone to a woman is not the same as friend zone to you. You are not out of the game yet, unless you have asked her and she has openly expressed her feelings, or you’ve tried a move and turned you down. If anything, just get to know the girl. Be her friend, (but don’t friend zone her, just because you assume she has ‘friend zoned’ you,) who knows what could happen from there! Peace and blessings, y’all! Peace and blessings.

Relationships Part 2

As I pointed out in my previous post about what the 3 things are which can really help make a good relationship Raya, Ahava and Dode. i decided this time to take a lok at how we can maintain a healthy relationship.

Well the answer is simple, its the putting it into action which is diffucult.

BOUNDARIES.

Boundaries-are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for him- or herself what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around him or her and how he or she will respond when someone steps outside those limits. ( Wikipedia definition)

Boundaries are important parts of any relationship you form with anyone, (ie: your boss, their are boundaries in place of how you should act around him, and if you cross those boundaries their are consequences.) We all make boundaries and its tends to be a subconcious thing we do.

Its interesting isn't it, how easily in a dating relationship we become more 'loose' with our boundaries and can easily be pushed beyond even how far we would go with friends, whether its being mentally,emotionally, sexually or spiritually. Interesting.

For many of you, you may be reading this and thinking well I don't need boundaries I have good relationships. So I have written up some questions below for you to ponder.

So you've dated before, thats cool.

How many people have you dated before?
How has that ended?
What has this person (who your dating) done to earn your trust?
What will be your regrets if you breakup?

I probably should clarify that I'm not trying to make you annoyed or frustrated but I just want to get you thinking about these things because they are some wise things you should be thinking about in a relationship.

So what do boundaries define and protect?

• your love: your deepest capactity and connect
• your emotions: your need to own your feelings and not becontrolled by others feelings
• your values ( very important one!): your need to have your life reflect what you care about most deeply
• your behaviours: your control over how you act in your relationship
• your attitudes: your stances and opinions about yourself and your date

Just a reminder about what I mentioned in my earlier post, the only way for a dating relationship ends is:

Marriage
Or
Breakup


Something I have noticed expecially in teenage relationships is this NAIVENESS in dating, where they think its just gonna end happily ever after. So if your someone who isn't really looking at a serious or potential husband/wife relationship and you don't have any boundaries then be prepared for some pretty horrible heart break if it ends badly.
 Why give someone so much of your love when you know how its gonna end. Harsh I know but a reality you need to think about.

Relationships are kinda like a football game.

Pre-game your team is excited, uncertain of what the future holds, ready to give it all. Super psyched up!Sometimes the opposition are alot better than what you expected, by half time the coach is hounding you about what you needed to have improved on. And you try and improve this in the second half. Sometimes it works and you win and sometimes it doesn't.

We come into relationships excited because we think about this fairytale ending, and unfortuantaely sometimes this doesn't get to happen.

I hope that this has given you something to just have a little ponder about, and I hope I haven't offended to many people with my brutal honesty.

Take care :)

Relationships: Part 1

Relationships.

What on earth are the ways you can enjoy a healthy, fun and fulfilling relationship.

In this post I am just sorta covering boyfrind/girlfriend/daitng kinda relationships in contrast to like family relationships ore friend relaiotnships. Just thought I'd clear that up first :)

I found this quite interesting,  but in the Hebrew language there are 3 words which are used to describe our 1 word Love. For many of you who know the English language we tend to chuck this word love around alot:
"I love you"
"I love chocolate"
"I looooooooooooveeeeee those shoes." You get where I'm going with this.

Now see in the Hebrew language love is broken up into three different words and this makes it ten times easier to show how much you LOVE something becuase it is more specific. These three words are:

1. Raya
2. Ahava
3. Dod

They each describe different stages/elements of a relationship.

Raya is a close friendship, compainionship with someone of the opposite gender. (This is different from just a good guy/girl friend relationship but it means you have some form of attraction towards one another.) In this you learn about the other person, this is the time when you are getting to know about the person, by hanging out going on dates. At this stage this relationship isn't the most importnat one you should be investing your time in but moreso in your friends and family because you may find you have numerous 'Raya' relationships before you find someone who wants to take it to Ahava.    
   Dating would come under this.  

Ahava literally means deep affection, such desire to be with the other person it makes your heart break. Ahava is alot more stronger than Raya because it is at a stage were it is more profound than just your typical romantic goody good feeling. Ahava is so strong you feel you want to spend the rest of your life with that person. Ahava is comitment.
   Marriage would come under this.

Now Dod. Dod is the passionate, the sexual/physical side of the relationship. (Not gonna lie but if you really wanna know what this should 'Dod' should be like check out Song of Songs, only 8 chapters and its quite explicit and beautifully written.)
  This is where sex fits in.

Isn't it interesting how one word can become so specific!

I find this such an eye opener everytime! Just backing up what I said in one of my last posts about just having a mindset of  'the here and now.' You see if we live with this mindset, it can actually be quite destructive to our relationships because you think to only please here and now, and therefore doing things which only feel good here and now.

The best relaitonships which last start with:

Raya and this develops, whether is 6 months to 10yrs+. (Raya is such a short time span when you think about the fact you if you going tovspend the rest of your life with this person.)

Then comes Ahava

and finally Dod is there to continue that Ahava and  Raya, and to keep those flames going! Believe it or not sex was designed for a purpose.

By taking out one of these elements of the relationship you are actually making your relaitonship weaker and not allowing them too withstand time.
Tip:
Invest and Nurture those relationships (aswell as keeping your relationships with friends and family up too scratch too.)


In some ways relationships are kinda like exams, at first you have to study and learn for the test, and then you sit the test, and then later you see the results of all your hard work.


Check out wicked book Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers, it portrays what love really should look, be and feel like.
http://www.amazon.com/Redeeming-Love-Francine-Rivers/dp/1576738167


Hope this gotten some of you thinking about where you are in your relationships.
Next time Part 2 of Relationships :)
Take care!