When Doves Cry

 

 Have you ever had a splinter?

I used to get them all the time; especially when I jumped over the fence while we played ‘Lord of the Rings’ as kids.

I had forgotten all about the agonising pain of them until this weekend when a little sucker magically showed up in my foot. Not cool.

As any logical person does I got most of the splint of wood out ASAP. But then, lazy Aspen decided to show up and I couldn’t be bothered getting the last little bit out.

Anyway later on it started to get infected and became more of a nuisance than it had originally been.

Once I finally plucked up the courage to dig out the remains of wood, it dawned on me that in a weird kind of way this splinter was a reflection of my past few weeks.

 Where are you going with this, Aspen?

Well a few weeks ago I chose to a make some decisions which weren’t exactly the best for me.

I probably should clarify what I mean by ‘decisions’.

As you may know I spent a majority of my teenage years, stuck in the all too familiar world of insecurity, lacking any sense of value and worth. However earlier this year I was really shaken up with the unanswered questions:

 Where and who, had ever said I was unworthy?

After finding refuge and identity in the only One that had been constant the whole time. My identity felt pretty sweet; the places that were previously filled with worry, bitterness and insecurity where exchanged for grace, peace and joy.

Now I don’t know why but since then I have become more aware of what I ‘fill’ myself with.

Eg: filtering what magazines I chose to read, time I spend of FB, Instagram, Twitter, Keek, Vine……yeah you get what I mean.

 

Okay cool story bro, why are you telling me this?

Why I tell you this is because in the last month all of that, my identity, has been challenged.

Like that splinter, I made decisions which seemed minor, choosing to absorb magazines that I knew would make me feel like rubbish. I was completely aware of what I was doing, but brushed it off saying “it won’t affect me.”

From that small choice my self-esteem and identity were ripped out from underneath me. Feeling distant and unworthy to even turn to God, my worth and value plummeted to a new low.

Which is why I didn’t write any blog posts. I didn’t feel worthy enough to do so; I didn’t feel like I had anything to offer you so silence and withdrawing altogether became my go-to option.

 

So where’s the silver lining in all this?

Like that splinter, it got to the point where my choices were becoming detrimental to not just me, but others.

Reality check hit, and I got pulled up big time.

I have certainly been humbled in all this and like I did with the splinter, I’ve had to revisit the wound/infection and clean it out so that it can heal properly.

 

BUT:

I’m not the only one who goes through these tricky times. That I know for a fact.

Which got me thinking, what about you? Instead of me dishing out advice; I’d love to know what golden truths you have got (everyone has something cool to share, so don’t shake your head and say “no I don’t know any.”)

 I mean:

·         What do you do in hard times?

·         Who you turn to when you’re feeling low? Friends and Family, or Acquaintances and people that don’t challenge you?

·         How do you get back after those tricky times in life?

 

I LOVE hearing from you and look forward to it.

Quarter life crisis

Quarter life crisis

 20. Twenty. Twwwwwwwennnnnty.

Nope… still can’t manage to wrap my head around it. Yeah so I have like 6 more months until I ACTUALLY turn 20, but even the thought of that sends a little rush of anxiety through my old, aging body.

Its like a quarter life crisis; the marker between youthful days and those of great maturity and intellect (or something like that).

You see when you’re in your 20’s if you do something like write a book, climb Everest, or finally learn to tie your shoelaces, they aren’t that big a deal. Their adult things and because you’re now an adult, they should just be simple…ish.

Maybe I’m just overanalysing the whole thing, but there is so much I want to do before I leave my teenage days: leave something of significance, other than crazy mood swings and week-long crushes.

Things like:

1.       Finally finish the first draft of my book!

2.       Get an internship

3.       Fight against human trafficking

4.       Become the president’s PA

5.       Who is secretly a CIA agent, sent to protect him/her

6.       Buy a bunch of cute rabbits then let them loose aka. Watership down

7.       World peace

8.       Stop world hunger

9.       Eradicate poverty

10.   Okay, yes, the last 6 were a bit exaggerated….but do you get what I mean?

 

Dwelling on this unfortunate reality (old age and achy joints, coming in only 6 months), I can’t help but wonder what it would have been like if I started the things I wanted to pursue earlier.

          What if I had continued working away at the Everest book back in the day?

         What if I had continued doing Drama?

 I don’t think it’s a regret at the situation as such, but more so on what I allowed myself to believe.

Quite frankly, I sat back and allowed for excuses surrounding my age to define what I could and couldn’t do: “I can’t do anything because I’m too young’ or that ‘I don’t have a platform in the REAL world to make a difference’. Bullocks! (I say that to my younger silly self that believed that, not you.)

Youth is a gift, it’s awesome! It’s one of the few times in life where a smidge of hard work goes a long way; it’s a place where you have supporters all around you: teachers, families, small group leaders, and friends.

So take it from a (nearly) old and ancient; seize the day of youthfulness and delight in all it brings.

Peace and blessings y’all.

Follow the Leader, leader, leader...

Leadership

Boil the jug. Snuggle under the blankets and get out the Wheatie bag, cause its STORYTIME!!!

Every year over the weekend of Easter there is this big event called Easter Camp. For the last few years I have been going as a camper, but this year was my first time as a leader.

Even though I was stoked to be going, I went into it completely drained: mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I had just come out of a wave of assignments and all that fun jazz (aka. Life in general…)

As a small group leader I had the honour of being grouped with a legit as group of girls. However on that first day, I’m not gonna lie, I totally had a little freak out. Each of these girls had come from different backgrounds, social groups and beliefs, and somehow a rather I needed to figure out  a way in which I could lead that would allow them to have the best time at camp.

Let me reiterate, I was SHATTERED, DRAINED AND STRESSED going into camp….

But, and this is where it gets super trippy…I remember spending the majority of the bus ride down, wondering and praying about how on earth I was going to last the next five days running on complete empty.

 Over the course of those 5 days something happened within each of those gorgeous girls. I got to see each of them for who they REALLY were. Not who they were amongst their friends. The stigmas created by society dropped and I realised the reality, that each of us are beautiful when we are our true selves. Often we hide it away, worried that no one will accept us for who we are. And that’s where it hit me.

These girls showed me what being a leader was REALLY about.

You see, leadership isn’t something fancy, it doesn’t mean you are more ‘enlightened’ or ‘elite’. To lead means to merely be yourself, so much so, that it gives others/those around you the permission to do the same. Be themselves.

A ‘good’ leader will lead out of their own strength; however an ‘excellent’ leader will lead out of His strength.

You see, it’s not about the title. It’s not about how many people follow you. It actually isn’t even about you, necessarily.

Sounds super cheesy, but to be perfectly honest I want to be a leader like Jesus (Christ, not the guy that used to date Madonna…I wonder what he’s up to these days…). He led out of a place of love. He saw the potential in others even when they couldn’t see it themselves. He challenged, but he also supported. Flip, the guy got down and washed the feet of his followers (pretty yuck, imagine where they would have been.)

Now, I don’t know about you, but that is the kind of leadership I aspire too. A life lived out of seeing others grow into their potential. It’s not about being the one that everyone exalts.

Society identifies leadership as the person who is exalted, or looked up to by others. Sure that may be a by-product of leadership, but I don’t think it should be the definition of it. Some of the greatest leaders are the ones that chug along, unrecognised by others. Those are the ones you want to follow.

To finish up, just a little thought: What if leadership isn’t exclusive to those that possess ‘leadership’ qualities, what if, in fact, each of us are ‘leaders’ in our own right. We each are in a position of influence.

We have our family, friends; and our choices do impact them. Whether you believe you have something to offer or not, you are significant. You may never see the bountiful fruit of what you invest into, but nonetheless, don’t be discouraged. Some of the greatest influencers never saw the fruit of their work, yet they choose to carry on steadfast, led by the drive of the dream.

Try not to forget how cool you are this week, okay?

Peace and blessings y’all!

PG huh?!? No silly, PGA.

PG huh?!? No silly, PGA

 

When I was younger I took golf lessons.

My dad would take my brother and I down to the local golf course every Saturday morning, where we learnt all about how to hit the ball, perfect our swing and pretend to be Tiger Woods (the golfing part…wouldn’t condone the other stuff to 5 yr olds…). One of the random ‘drills’ we had to do, was place a big smiley face sticker on the head of the club. Now, at the time, I thought the sticker was there just to look super cool, but it wasn’t until recently that I realised that that sticker actually had a purpose.

It was to identify the ‘sweet spot’.

Sweet spot?!?!

Pretty much, there is a particular point along the head (the part of the golf club you hit the ball with) which when you hit it, makes the ball project further, seemingly ‘effortlessly’. If your golf is anything like mine (with maybe 5 out of 100 shots hitting that sweet shot) you’ve probably stood at the driving range looking out over the ball, placing your hand upto shield the sun, as you ponder why you haven’t joined the PGA tour (or at least how your golden talent remains yet to be discovered.)

So we’re feeling good about ourselves! Yeah! We hit that little sucker and it just so happened a cute boy walked passed at the same time and saw the whole thing! (Dying.)

HOWEVER…

When we don’t hit it in that sweet spot:

1.       Blimey, it hurts the hands (I’m a girl, I can claim that.)

2.       To get the ball even remotely close to the other one, A LOT more effort and strength is needed.

 

Soooooooooo…

I imagine at this point you’re probably wondering where I’m heading with this…

 

Soooooooooo pretty much:

 

 Knowing who we are can be just like finding that ‘sweet spot’ in life.

 

Let me explain:

A few months ago I bumped into a guy that I went to high school with. We had a little mini catch up (as you do) then he started explaining his engineering degree to me, talking about all the complex stuff he was learning in it. As you can imagine my brain exploded (not literally, thank goodness!) How this guy could come up with a draw bridge based off numbers and variables was totally beyond me. I had to remind myself on several occasions to shut my mouth again (because I was amazed at just how smart he was.)

Anyway, when we got to town, we went and got a coffee, which is where he randomly piped up and said “Hey Aspen, this has to be the best conversation I’ve had in a while. You’re really good at communicating.” Wasn’t too hard to be honest, but “Ill receive that compliment anyway.” (I didn’t actually say that. I mean who says “I receive that any way?” Oh….you do Cindy…woops sorry.)

I guess the point I’m trying to make is, I’m not my friend that’s an engineer. He’s talented at engineering. I’m talented at talkin…..g. (Is that even a talent? I don’t know, but I’ll claim it anyway.)

 

You see when we do things we are naturally talented and gifted in, it’s like hitting that ball in the sweet spot. Sure a little work is required, but it feels effortless.

 

Now this is gonna sound pretty harsh, but all too often, it seems, we are trying to achieve things that we just aren’t naturally gifted in. Sure there are times when you’ve got to just suck it up (and work on those assignments), but if your WHOLE DEGREE or job is a drag then why carry on?

Chase after the things you enjoy and are gifted in and watch how far you, like the ball soar (yes, I did just compare you to a golf ball. You’re a lot better-looking though, in my defence). Rather than strive at doing something which we may not get as much enjoyment out of, why not recognise the areas we are talented in and strengthen those areas in our lives.

It’s easy sometimes to forget that we are each uniquely encoded with different talents and gifts. These talents are needed. You are needed and valued. What you have to offer, even if it feels minuet, is actually very important. Imagine if the guy who invented aeroplanes didn’t wake up one day (probably more like a series of trial and error) and gave up. We would never have had aeroplanes (Yes, someone else MAY have come along and designed one anyway, but that’s beyond the point). That guy was needed, because he may just have been the one to suggest inflight entertainment, and imagine how horrible that would have been without that! (*cough* Jetstar *cough*)

At the end of the day, you’re important. The things you have, talents you possess are valued and needed in this big bad (not bad all the time) world.

 

Cool beans. Just a thought. 

 Peace and blessings y’all.

Why am I so fat?!?

“Why am I so fat?!?”

“It’s not what goes into your mouth that defiles you; you are defiled by the words that come out of your mouth.”                                                                                                - Matthew 15:11

Ouch. That’s a bit harsh. Actually on second thought…there is a bit of truth to that. I mean think about it, we are fed thousands of different messages, ideologies and opinions every day, but somehow our brain filters through it all and withholds a certain, selective amount of it.

Which begs to differ, are we filtering out the right stuff? I mean how do we choose what to retain and what not too? Is it based on feeling or emotion, or is it something else? (whoa a lot of pondering already and I’m not even into the second page yet… haha)

Recently these have been a few things that have been at the forefront of my thinking, “Why am I thinking like this?”, “Why do I believe everything my mind tells me?” “Whoever said I couldn’t be an international cyclist (especially because of a gap in the industry, with the whole Lance Armstrong ordeal.) Okay, maybe not an international cyclist, but do you get what I mean, who was that told us we weren’t good enough.

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say maybe it has something to do with what we fill ourselves with, and is not based solely on our circumstances (past or present). I’ll use this blog as the prime example of what I mean.

Okay, so as many of you may know this blog got a bit of recognition as a relationship blog (probably because that’s what I said it was to everyone, and was,) which was awesome, because:

1)      I love talking about relationships and giving advice.

2)      It meant I could research more into the dynamics and differences between male and female.

3)      I could talk to people about the most taboo subjects, which often caused a bit of awkwardness, in an easy conversational way.

Sweet. Well kind of…

It was all good for the first bit, but after a while ‘relationships’ started to become the thing at the forefront of my thinking (not so sweet.) I would read up about it, watch videos, read other blogs, and like a sponge I would absorb it all; completely unaware of the subliminal affect it was having on my own life and friendships/relationships.

Look at it like this: “Our beliefs define our thoughts; thoughts are reflected in our actions; actions become habits, which become our characteristics, to form our identity.” By filling myself with excessive amounts of information about ‘relationships’ it caused my beliefs to change from, “Hey, I’m all good with being single,” to “Hey I now understand how the male mind works so it means I can manipulate it to get exactly what I want” (cruel, but very true). And to be quite frank, I hated it. I hated the person I was becoming, but I didn’t know what to do about it. It wasn’t until a friend kindly pulled me up and brought it to my attention, did I realise what was happening.

Another way to look at it is like eating food; the things we listen to, watch and learn, feed us (haha this is starting to sound like some weird new agey thing… but bear with me.) They feed our thoughts and shape the way we perceive things, which is why what I ‘feed’ myself is so important because it will become a by-product in my life.

 If I am against the exploitation of women in the sex industry, then why the hell am I listening to hip hop artists who use them and then write songs that desensitise and normalise the reality. If I want better self-worth, then why do I continue to read trashy magazines that leave me feeling worse about myself? Why?

It’s because I have a need. We have needs. But it’s not the need that’s the problem; it’s how we choose to fulfil that need, which once again, comes back to what we fill ourselves with. I am guilty as charged when it comes to this. I complain about becoming a judging, bitter person and yet I continue to watch shows and listen to music that sings about exactly that: bitterness, anger and judgement. All concealed within the façade of a catchy tune and hot actors (that’s why it’s so hard to stop listening and watching :O).

So can I challenge us (I’m included in this one) with something. What kind of person do we want to be? If we were to look back at the end of our lives, who would we be remembered as?

We can be that person and it starts by changing what we allow ourselves to be surrounded by. It’s not simple or easy, but comes from discipline, which requires more strength than remaining in the current situation and saying “it’s okay this won’t affect me.”

(By the way, it doesn’t mean that we never listen/watch stuff that we deem “trash”, it just means we are more weary/cautious of how much we consume.)

“It’s not what goes into your mouth that defiles you; you are defiled by the words that come out of your mouth.”                                                                                                - Matthew 15:11

 Peace and blessings y’all, peace and blessings! (Haha love that chick!)

"I'm over our long term relationship. No judgement."

Spring cleaning. It has its pits and peaks.

 Pit: Apparently it only comes around in spring, which sucks cause if I left my room for a whole year without a good spring clean, I think you could comfortably call me a hoarder.

Peak: Every time you do you uncover some hidden gems; cell phone charger, hair ties, and your teddy bear you thought had gone off on some overseas adventure…

So, I guess you could say spring cleaning does have some perks.

The other day I was doing a bit of a good old clean up, and came across my folder I put all my written stories into. As you’ve probably (hopefully) discovered… I like to write, and have for a wee while. Actually, fun fact, when I was 10 I started to write a book I got about 30 pages into it, before I decided I just didn’t have the time to continue (don’t ask me why I didn’t have time, I was 10. I had all the time in the world!).

Anyway in amongst the masses of paper, I uncovered one of the poems I wrote a little while back (here’s a little snippet):

 

“You see I looked down on those I thought I was above,

And in my head,

I started to justify it as love.

 

With my distorted view,

I started to think that God looked down on us too,

Only able to come and love a few.

 

Only those like me,

Who knew the verses,

Who knew the bible,

And in my head I was the perfect disciple.

 

It was there I learnt I was an actor,

I’d put my hands up at church,

Sing the right notes,

Like that was the only factor.

 

But my quest to be perfect,

To meet the perfection,

 It only led my mind

Into a sickly infection.

 

Then I’d turn to God and point my finger,

Why’d you make me fat?

Why couldn’t I be smaller?

Because only then,

Could I truly be your daughter.

 

I’d pray and pray,

Oh God, send me a boyfriend,

Oh God, send me an angel,

Because I alone am unable.

 

I knew they wouldn’t help,

I knew it to well,

But my deepest confessions,

To Him I couldn’t tell.”

 

As you have probably gathered, my own perceived judgement of others and myself was something I was really challenged with when I wrote this poem.  But unlike the poem changing it wasn’t as easy as spray and wipe, where BAM and the dirt is gone.

You see it’s easy to judge. It’s easy to look down on others, just because they’re different. I’ll be honest, throughout high school I did just that, look down on others because I thought I was maybe ‘better’ then them. I didn’t do drugs, drink or swear, and those I justified were the things that defined me as ‘better.’

However, looking back it saddens me because I allowed my own judgements and perceptions to be so important, that it left little room to actually see people for who they were. Awesome. Unique. Rich in potential.

You see it’s easy for us to look at someone and stamp a label on. Limit them, or define them. Whether it’s based on actions or their past, I’ve come to learn that limiting others is toxic.

 

Like the poem said:

“With my distorted view,

I started to think that God looked down on us too,

Only able to come and love a few.

 

Only those like me,

Who knew the verses,

Who knew the bible,

And in my head I was the perfect disciple.”

 

As horrid as it sounds, I allowed myself to play the role of God, to be the one who filtered who was good enough. Because of this my perception of church became the place where all the ‘perfect people’ met. It seemed like everyone had it altogether. I mean they smiled and seemed happy. Ironically this contradicted how I actually felt, but I quickly found myself slipping into an ‘act,’ trying to play the ‘perfect little Christian girl’ cause that would mean my real hurts wouldn’t be discovered. It comes as little surprise that because of this, I grew bitter towards the idea of ‘church’ as I lodged my thoughts deeper away.

The irony of it though, was the further I pulled away, the more distant I felt from God and alone as a whole. The truth is God loves real. The performance. The façade. Totally irrelevant, and will not change how much he love us. He sees our hearts, he sees the hurt, and longs to journey with us. Haha he’s cool like that, when we think no one could ever cope with us, he says ‘try me’.

Since high school I’ve come to the conclusion, that I want to be more like Jesus (not because of doctrine, or ‘perfect Christian role model’), but because he was cool. He didn’t allow anything (race, religion, sexual orientation) to define how much he could love or care for someone. That’s the kind of person I want to be, one who loves instead of judges.

However unlike spring cleaning, which comes around once a year, choosing to love instead of judge is a daily decision, but by lying down my pre-conceived ideas and allowing love to be my driving force, it brings a lot peace into life.

Take care cool kids, y’all are awesome.