Wowzas Moses! Shawty, you a ten.

 

Shawty, you a ten

 

1)      Tall

2)      Dark

3)      Handsome

Lists. They work a charm when we’re planning what we need for the grocery shopping, or maybe organising what to buy for school or uni. But really?!? Lists when it comes to the person you want to date? Isn’t it a bit shallow?

 

After talking to some close friends of mine, my girl Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber (we go way back. Well…not really... On that note though, did you hear they are back together again, pretty crazy huh!?) Okay, maybe I didn’t ask Selena and Justin for their perspective on lists, but I did ask a few pretty good looking and awesome people, what though surrounding this age old topic.

It was actually quite interesting, because when we finally did, (yes, I babble a lot so that meant it took ages to actually get to the topic) and talk about lists*, there seemed to be two dominant perspectives.

1)      Yes. Lists are good. It gives you a good idea of what you look for in a future relationshipee and allows you to filter down the things that you like, and what traits in a person you think would complement yours.

AND THEN IRONCIALLY:

2)       No. Lists are bad. It makes you more close minded/picky/ too selective. Besides, the reality is that, not EVERYTHING that is on your list will be fulfilled in one person. If it did then, “Why hello there Messiah, how are you doing?”

So in a nutshell there’s two ways you really can look at it. Yes, or no.

 
BUT….

(there’s always a butt……to every joke. Okay, yes that was a poor one, it’s getting late and my humour filled side of the brain is fried…deep in batter….okay sorry, I’m gonna just shut up now before this turns really ugly.)

What was interesting though, was when I asked people who didn’t have a physical, written-down list, if they had a vague idea of what they looked for in someone, they simply replied ‘Yes.’

 

Which begs the age, old question:

Is a list only considered a list if it’s written down?

Yeah, I reckon so, I mean writing it down just makes it more official. It’s like a contract (well sort of, in a weird way) in that a verbal contract isn’t valid. You can’t take someone to court JUST based on their good word of mouth, you need a binding agreement. (Not quite sure were this analogy is going in conjunction with lists,) but nonetheless, I guess having a list just gives us a clearer format of explaining all the crazy things our brain keeps trying to tell us.

 

You’re probably getting to this point and wondering, ‘Hey Aspen, number 1, shut up.’ Yes that is valid, I do have a tendency to waffle on, and ‘number 2, if you think you’re so cool, what do YOU think about lists.’

Well, lists ARE interesting and YES, I do have a list. But wait before you give up all hope, hear me out.

I created a ‘list’ not as a checklist or a set of criteria which a guy will have to meet before he even goes out on a date with me (believe it or not some people are like that and try to see how a ‘potential’ person matches up with their list, before even making a move.) I did it rather, so that in the future, when/if/maybe I get married, I can look back and see what aspects I looked for in my ‘ideal’ guy, and how reality (if it did) matched up with what I wrote in my younger more desperate, single years.

 
In amongst it all, there are things, that yes I give you permission, can be super picky about. For some people its things like:

·         Needs to know how to cook

·         For others, its needs to have good manners

·         And for others, it can be as simple as needs to know how to ski (or at least willing to learn how to ski...or at least understand that every so often, even if they hate skiing, realising that we just need to escape and go up to the mountain….why don’t they just get it….) Um okay, moving on from that emotional mumbo jumbo.

You have permission to be picky about certain things. Think about the things that make you, you. What thing, if it was taken away from you, would make you feel like a small part of your heart had been ripped out? Now this is going to sound a bit mean, but those things aren’t worth jeopardising because of someone. If anything the person you are with, should recognise what you enjoy doing, and even if they don’t feel as passionate as you, still support and encourage you in it.

 

To say the least, I reckon lists ARE cool and can be very beneficial in outlining what attributes and qualities you think would complement your own. However, if it becomes the sole thing you refer to when selecting your ‘ideal date,’ I think that’s when lists can become a bit too INTENSE, because it’s in that process which we no longer look at the awesome person standing right in front of us, but compare them to a set of guidelines we pre-conceived, based on our own opinion. Besides, who’s to say that that awesome person standing in front of you isn’t the person that would bring you the greatest amount of joy in life. You never really know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

*(in reference to a written down on paper list, or one tucked away hidden in a journal, or a list that’s locked away in a time capsule, only to be opened in 30 years’ time)

That First Step

The First Step

(How guys SORTA see it)

 

Guys are simple. They are not too complex. They like to be told things straight - black and white- and none of this ‘airy fairy’ stuff us girls are infamous for.

With this newfound knowledge, (let’s be honest ladies it’s probably not that newfound, we already kinda knew that guys were simple) it comes as little surprise, that when it’s about relationships/friendships, guys like to be told straight and direct too. They like to know where they sit with girls, none of this beating around the bush.

Now before we jump in a little bit deeper,

                                                Deeper,

                                                            Deeper….

Drat! Now we’re too deep. Oh well, I guess since we’re here, I’ll just have to spill.

Girls. What I am about to say is totally going against everything we have ever been taught from our sisters, mothers and of course, Nicholas Sparks movie adaptions.  But, guys would REALLY appreciate it immensely, if instead of playing our little flirty games (aka. playing hard to get) we were just direct and straight to the point.

“If you like him, tell him”, if he’s potential test the waters with a bit of flirting and see how he responds. If it’s a positive and he’s still talking to you at the end, despite your creepy stares and Cheshire cat grin. It could mean one of three things:

1.      He enjoys talking to you.

2.      You’re a fun person to be around. Stop over analysing the situation and just enjoy it. You’re awesome anyway!

3.      He’s actually only waiting until you’ll finish talking so he can tell you you’ve got a piece of spinach in your tooth (cringe worthy moment 101.)

 

Okay that’s not really that helpful…

 

Let’s look at it like this:

 Guys like to think that they are the initiator, that they’re the ones chasing, making the first moves etc. But do you want to know a little secret ladies? In reality we are.

 

WOAH, WOAH, WOAH POP THE SHOTGUN DOWN, and let me explain.

Imagine this stereotypical scenario: woman sees an attractive man and decides to walk past him, “conveniently” drops handkerchief. The man sees that she’s dropped it and being the gentleman he is, picks it up and chases after her to return it.

Notice how it started. It wasn’t the man who instigated it, it was the woman. SHE, seeing he was a very attractive man and being the sly chica she is, intentionally dropped the handkerchief which left the man with the option to pursue her.

Women, I understand your heart is probably bubbling with fury at such a proposition (mine did too when my guy friends told me that a girl should be the one to tell the guy they like them), but bear with me.

 

You see, guys aren’t as picky as us girls. They don’t whip out the list of ’35 qualities someone must have before I even date them card.’ To be honest when most guys meet a girl (or so I’ve been told by many men) they actually take her into consideration and see her as a ‘potential’. It’s from here that if they get a feeling she might be into them as well, and they are attracted to her, then maybe, just maybe, they might pluck up the courage to ask her out.

But blimey, that must be scary! Telling a girl you like her!

 It’d be like lighting a firework, you’d have no idea if it would be a flop or go off with a bang, because ladies, the reality is we are just so darn picky! We flirt with guys we friend zone, we flirt with guys we like, one moment we’re attracted to them, the next we’re not. It’s BECAUSE of this frivolous behaviour I have come to the conclusion that, ladies we need to wo ‘man’ up and tell a guy if we find him attractive.

End of Story

Wait it’s not actually finishe…d. Ah poos, their goes half of you!

Still not feeling it? Well believe it or not, all the guys that I have talked to have said they think their feelings towards a girl would grow more and they’d feel  more attracted to a girl, if she came straight out and told them she liked them. If this isn’t a good incentive to tell them, I’m not sure what is.

Finally, ladies, just to let you know we are totally in this together. When the guys told me about this I found it SO challenging because I have a tendency to  just sit back from afar and be like ‘ooo I like that person’, and not do anything about it, instead waiting for them to ‘make the first move’, so I guess I too have to be a bit more bold and communicate my feelings a bit more effectively. So defs no hate if you’re afraid or nervous, that makes two of us.

That Awkward Stage...Friend Zone.

Friend zone

(How girls REALLY see it)

Friend zone. We’ve all had some personal experience in this great area of life. Whether it was at school, by a close friend or in kindy, when your crush said he wouldn’t kiss you because you were too ugly…Oh you didn’t have that problem…?  Okay, just me then.

Needless to say, each of us at some point in time has had the honour and heartache of making it into this grey area of a relationship/friendship.

But why is it such a wishy-washy, rarely spoken about topic?

Now as a girl, friend zoning is simple. There are two categories:

 

• Definite ‘Friend zone’: A guy who is totally a friend, there is no attraction whatsoever, and never will be. This is a guy who, if he made a move would get a right old slap across the face, or be deeply scarred by the repulsed look the woman may give him. Guys in this friend zone are safe, because us girls know we don’t have feelings for the guy and so therefore it means he won’t have feelings for us (naïve, I know, but it’s just what we do.)

And then there’s the,

• Other/Potential ‘Friend zone’: This is a tricky one. A girl may say ‘you’re just friends,’ but this doesn’t always mean it’s definite. She may just be experiencing attraction towards you and in order to cope with this, puts you into zone which looks, feels, sounds just like the friend zone. It is SIMILAR to the ‘friend zone, but isn’t the DEFINITE friend zone. This is almost like a POTENTIAL, or box for the guys us girls have a ‘SOFT SPOT’ for. This is why when we play Truth or dare (because we’re all mature young adults) and are asked ‘who we like’ everyone hounds, “saying surely, there’s someone.” Yes there is someone but they are in this ‘potential/soft spot friend zone.’  Every woman has someone in this category.

I imagine by now you’re reading this, shouting at the magazine…”Say what?!? There are two types of friend zone?” Yes, yes there are. I have yet to discover others, so for this period of time I am concluding that these are the dominant two.

After discovering this you can imagine my shock when one of my guy friends said last night, that:

“As soon as a guy thinks he has been friend zoned, he will never go for that girl again.”

This statement obviously took my girl friends and I by surprise, with the initial response being “Crap, but I’ve got plenty of guys who I’ve put into the ‘other friend zone,’ and now you’re telling me they may misinterpret it as DEFINITE FRIEND ZONE, and there will never be a chance…ever!”

So I’m here to clear the air.

Men all over the world (well, probably not the world…I don’t if this magazine has been that widely distributed yet...but who knows what the future holds) regardless, listen to these little things about women I have discovered.

1. Women are complex (you’ve probably already figured this one out on your own, but let it be confirmed.) You will never know everything about us. Besides, we don’t even know everything about us.
2. Now this is a toughie, and not to be applied to every situation, but after to talking to a few girls, they have agreed on this too. If a girl asks for advice about guys, not always, but sometimes this can be a signal that, men, you are NOT FULLY in the friend zone. It does however mean that she trusts you. DON’T JUST ASSUME HER TRUSTING YOU MEANS YOU HAVE BEEN FRIEND ZONED.
3. The best tool you have as a guy is your own instinctual discernment. Men, regardless of what society and media tell you, you are smart and logical! You have a good sense of what’s up, trust your head…but also trust your heart! When you mix the two together you’re unstoppable…well…maybe not unstoppable…oh you get what I mean.
4. Sexually attracted to her=check, and you like her personality, then why not go for it! What’s the worst that will happen?!? The girl will say no, and if she can respect you enough to be honest with you, then that in itself is a testament to why you were attracted to her. Cliché: If it’s right it WILL work out.
5. And finally the best advice I have probably EVER (yes big claim to make) been given! Don’t be someone else’s “No.” eg: “I won’t ask her, cause I know she’ll say no.” What makes you think that?  You haven’t even asked the girl yet, how do you know she’ll say no? You don’t! So stop beating yourself up, you’re better than that, and instead of pondering whether she likes you or not, just hang out with her or ask her on a date and see where it leads. You’re awesome! Believe that!
6. The more I get down this list the more I realise how outlandishly hard it is to compact the woman feelings and thoughts into an easy, step by step guide.

 

Before I go, one final thing:

Men, friend zone to a woman is not the same as friend zone to you. You are not out of the game yet, unless you have asked her and she has openly expressed her feelings, or you’ve tried a move and turned you down. If anything, just get to know the girl. Be her friend, (but don’t friend zone her, just because you assume she has ‘friend zoned’ you,) who knows what could happen from there! Peace and blessings, y’all! Peace and blessings.