"I'm over our long term relationship. No judgement."

Spring cleaning. It has its pits and peaks.

 Pit: Apparently it only comes around in spring, which sucks cause if I left my room for a whole year without a good spring clean, I think you could comfortably call me a hoarder.

Peak: Every time you do you uncover some hidden gems; cell phone charger, hair ties, and your teddy bear you thought had gone off on some overseas adventure…

So, I guess you could say spring cleaning does have some perks.

The other day I was doing a bit of a good old clean up, and came across my folder I put all my written stories into. As you’ve probably (hopefully) discovered… I like to write, and have for a wee while. Actually, fun fact, when I was 10 I started to write a book I got about 30 pages into it, before I decided I just didn’t have the time to continue (don’t ask me why I didn’t have time, I was 10. I had all the time in the world!).

Anyway in amongst the masses of paper, I uncovered one of the poems I wrote a little while back (here’s a little snippet):

 

“You see I looked down on those I thought I was above,

And in my head,

I started to justify it as love.

 

With my distorted view,

I started to think that God looked down on us too,

Only able to come and love a few.

 

Only those like me,

Who knew the verses,

Who knew the bible,

And in my head I was the perfect disciple.

 

It was there I learnt I was an actor,

I’d put my hands up at church,

Sing the right notes,

Like that was the only factor.

 

But my quest to be perfect,

To meet the perfection,

 It only led my mind

Into a sickly infection.

 

Then I’d turn to God and point my finger,

Why’d you make me fat?

Why couldn’t I be smaller?

Because only then,

Could I truly be your daughter.

 

I’d pray and pray,

Oh God, send me a boyfriend,

Oh God, send me an angel,

Because I alone am unable.

 

I knew they wouldn’t help,

I knew it to well,

But my deepest confessions,

To Him I couldn’t tell.”

 

As you have probably gathered, my own perceived judgement of others and myself was something I was really challenged with when I wrote this poem.  But unlike the poem changing it wasn’t as easy as spray and wipe, where BAM and the dirt is gone.

You see it’s easy to judge. It’s easy to look down on others, just because they’re different. I’ll be honest, throughout high school I did just that, look down on others because I thought I was maybe ‘better’ then them. I didn’t do drugs, drink or swear, and those I justified were the things that defined me as ‘better.’

However, looking back it saddens me because I allowed my own judgements and perceptions to be so important, that it left little room to actually see people for who they were. Awesome. Unique. Rich in potential.

You see it’s easy for us to look at someone and stamp a label on. Limit them, or define them. Whether it’s based on actions or their past, I’ve come to learn that limiting others is toxic.

 

Like the poem said:

“With my distorted view,

I started to think that God looked down on us too,

Only able to come and love a few.

 

Only those like me,

Who knew the verses,

Who knew the bible,

And in my head I was the perfect disciple.”

 

As horrid as it sounds, I allowed myself to play the role of God, to be the one who filtered who was good enough. Because of this my perception of church became the place where all the ‘perfect people’ met. It seemed like everyone had it altogether. I mean they smiled and seemed happy. Ironically this contradicted how I actually felt, but I quickly found myself slipping into an ‘act,’ trying to play the ‘perfect little Christian girl’ cause that would mean my real hurts wouldn’t be discovered. It comes as little surprise that because of this, I grew bitter towards the idea of ‘church’ as I lodged my thoughts deeper away.

The irony of it though, was the further I pulled away, the more distant I felt from God and alone as a whole. The truth is God loves real. The performance. The façade. Totally irrelevant, and will not change how much he love us. He sees our hearts, he sees the hurt, and longs to journey with us. Haha he’s cool like that, when we think no one could ever cope with us, he says ‘try me’.

Since high school I’ve come to the conclusion, that I want to be more like Jesus (not because of doctrine, or ‘perfect Christian role model’), but because he was cool. He didn’t allow anything (race, religion, sexual orientation) to define how much he could love or care for someone. That’s the kind of person I want to be, one who loves instead of judges.

However unlike spring cleaning, which comes around once a year, choosing to love instead of judge is a daily decision, but by lying down my pre-conceived ideas and allowing love to be my driving force, it brings a lot peace into life.

Take care cool kids, y’all are awesome.

Wowzas Moses! Shawty, you a ten.

 

Shawty, you a ten

 

1)      Tall

2)      Dark

3)      Handsome

Lists. They work a charm when we’re planning what we need for the grocery shopping, or maybe organising what to buy for school or uni. But really?!? Lists when it comes to the person you want to date? Isn’t it a bit shallow?

 

After talking to some close friends of mine, my girl Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber (we go way back. Well…not really... On that note though, did you hear they are back together again, pretty crazy huh!?) Okay, maybe I didn’t ask Selena and Justin for their perspective on lists, but I did ask a few pretty good looking and awesome people, what though surrounding this age old topic.

It was actually quite interesting, because when we finally did, (yes, I babble a lot so that meant it took ages to actually get to the topic) and talk about lists*, there seemed to be two dominant perspectives.

1)      Yes. Lists are good. It gives you a good idea of what you look for in a future relationshipee and allows you to filter down the things that you like, and what traits in a person you think would complement yours.

AND THEN IRONCIALLY:

2)       No. Lists are bad. It makes you more close minded/picky/ too selective. Besides, the reality is that, not EVERYTHING that is on your list will be fulfilled in one person. If it did then, “Why hello there Messiah, how are you doing?”

So in a nutshell there’s two ways you really can look at it. Yes, or no.

 
BUT….

(there’s always a butt……to every joke. Okay, yes that was a poor one, it’s getting late and my humour filled side of the brain is fried…deep in batter….okay sorry, I’m gonna just shut up now before this turns really ugly.)

What was interesting though, was when I asked people who didn’t have a physical, written-down list, if they had a vague idea of what they looked for in someone, they simply replied ‘Yes.’

 

Which begs the age, old question:

Is a list only considered a list if it’s written down?

Yeah, I reckon so, I mean writing it down just makes it more official. It’s like a contract (well sort of, in a weird way) in that a verbal contract isn’t valid. You can’t take someone to court JUST based on their good word of mouth, you need a binding agreement. (Not quite sure were this analogy is going in conjunction with lists,) but nonetheless, I guess having a list just gives us a clearer format of explaining all the crazy things our brain keeps trying to tell us.

 

You’re probably getting to this point and wondering, ‘Hey Aspen, number 1, shut up.’ Yes that is valid, I do have a tendency to waffle on, and ‘number 2, if you think you’re so cool, what do YOU think about lists.’

Well, lists ARE interesting and YES, I do have a list. But wait before you give up all hope, hear me out.

I created a ‘list’ not as a checklist or a set of criteria which a guy will have to meet before he even goes out on a date with me (believe it or not some people are like that and try to see how a ‘potential’ person matches up with their list, before even making a move.) I did it rather, so that in the future, when/if/maybe I get married, I can look back and see what aspects I looked for in my ‘ideal’ guy, and how reality (if it did) matched up with what I wrote in my younger more desperate, single years.

 
In amongst it all, there are things, that yes I give you permission, can be super picky about. For some people its things like:

·         Needs to know how to cook

·         For others, its needs to have good manners

·         And for others, it can be as simple as needs to know how to ski (or at least willing to learn how to ski...or at least understand that every so often, even if they hate skiing, realising that we just need to escape and go up to the mountain….why don’t they just get it….) Um okay, moving on from that emotional mumbo jumbo.

You have permission to be picky about certain things. Think about the things that make you, you. What thing, if it was taken away from you, would make you feel like a small part of your heart had been ripped out? Now this is going to sound a bit mean, but those things aren’t worth jeopardising because of someone. If anything the person you are with, should recognise what you enjoy doing, and even if they don’t feel as passionate as you, still support and encourage you in it.

 

To say the least, I reckon lists ARE cool and can be very beneficial in outlining what attributes and qualities you think would complement your own. However, if it becomes the sole thing you refer to when selecting your ‘ideal date,’ I think that’s when lists can become a bit too INTENSE, because it’s in that process which we no longer look at the awesome person standing right in front of us, but compare them to a set of guidelines we pre-conceived, based on our own opinion. Besides, who’s to say that that awesome person standing in front of you isn’t the person that would bring you the greatest amount of joy in life. You never really know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

*(in reference to a written down on paper list, or one tucked away hidden in a journal, or a list that’s locked away in a time capsule, only to be opened in 30 years’ time)

"I love being Single," said no one....ever.

“I love being Single,” said no one….ever.

 

“I sooooooo want a boyfriend! Someone who I can snuggle up to, and go on cute dates with, and who I can win against in an arm wrestle (because they let me), it would just be so awesome.”

 Now I imagine if you’re anything like me…human? Then there’s a high chance at some point in your life, you’ve been through it, let’s just name it for what it is; the desperate, single moments. Those beautiful moments when you look around and it seems everyone else is in a relationship, and it looks so cute; like they’re off in some fluffy land in the clouds, and then you come back to reality and realise you’re still here. Stuck on the ground, in the rain. Drenched. And alone.

 “Wow thanks,” I imagine you’re saying right now to your pet gecko, “that makes me feel so good about myself.”

But wait, don’t leave yet, I promise there is a silver lining in all this. Trust me.

 

You see, over summer one of my beautiful, a VERY attractive AND still on the market (ultimate wing woman 101), friend and I spontaneously came up with this game called “I’m happy I’m single because… (Insert the cool things you can do if you’re single here):

eg:

 I’m happy I’m single because it means I can go to the cinemas and throw popcorn at couples, who get too PDA-ish and it’s not immature because I’m not trying to impress anyone.

Or

I’m happy I’m single because it means I can go out to dinner half an hour earlier, because I won’t be helping my fashionless boyfriend find SOMETHING else to wear.

And on it goes….

But what was cool about the game was realising that being single ACTUALLY has it perks! Yes it is harder when all your friends are in a relationship or people around you have their little romantic ‘things,’ but I’m coming to learn that realistically, as fun as those things may appear and are, they require a lot of work, time and effort.

Which is why I made a list (love lists), about just some of the perks of Singledom:

1.      Singledom is honestly awesome. It’s a cool period of time where you get to work on you. You get to piece together what you like and what you don’t like. What your passions are. What you want to be when you’re older, and all those important factors.

2.      It is the perfect time to establish and grow into your identity, and being honest, a great time to learn to love yourself. Yes, you are good at what you enjoy doing. Yes, you are talented at that thing. Don’t second guess yourself.

3.      This is a biggie. There is no expectation. You don’t have the pressure to be the perfect girlfriend/boyfriend AND top sports team AND 100% grades AND, while we’re at it, superwoman/man.

4.      Most importantly it is such a critical time to shape who you are as a person.

 I’m gonna be honest, for a long time all through my early teen years I hated being single. All my friends were getting boyfriends and having their first kisses and walking around school together, and it sucked. Legit, it sucked. I felt so out of the loop. But as I got older, something slowly began to change. Although I had never been in relationship, I had seen my friends go through the highs and lows and the break ups, and I saw what an effect these guys had on my friends.

Most of these girls, all strong and beautiful women came out feeling lost and confused, questioning their value. Once again, I reiterate, these girls are stunning! The nicest, prettiest girls, but coming out of the relationship, most of them began to doubt themselves, their beauty and their worth.

 

Looking back now, I am so grateful that I HADN’T (yep, I said it, hard to believe I know) been in a relationship. Sure I would have learnt some really cool things, but I feel more content with myself now, and who I am as a person (I realise this is probably sounding very egotistic at the moment). I know what I like (skiing, writing, reading; if you were curious) and am still learning about the things I’m good at. That’s not to say there aren’t times now, where I wish I had a boyfriend to snuggle up to, of course I would love that, but I am learning that there is still so much I can learn in the place I am right now.

Let’s look at it like this:

If a relationship/business/church/event/whatever is going to function into its fullness, it NEEDS a solid foundation.

I.e.: The motives, goals and values of a company will determine the success of the company.

·         Clear and concise goals and objectives are the factors that change a ‘good’ organisation to a ‘successful’ organisation (learnt that in my PR lecture the other day.)

The same is to be said about a relationship. A relationship isn’t something that starts when you begin/meet someone. It actually starts now, with the most important person: YOU. And it is crucial to remember, that in a dating/engaged relationship you are your own person.

 

It is two INDIVIDUALS coming together, not two HALVES to make a whole, in a relationship.

 

The more I come to grips with this, the more I realise, that out of honour and respect for the guys I will date in future relationships, I need this time of Singledom, to sort myself out enough so I could come into a place where I could cope with my own baggage (insecurities, problems, trials) AND someone else’s.

SO maybe that’s where I leave you today, where are you in your relationship with the most important person in your life: YOU.

·         Are you chasing after the things (sports, academics, music, people etc.) because you love them, or because you feel it is out of obligation?

Lastly, you are actually awesome! I mean that. You are unique, and there is trueness and a beauty concealed within each of you. A little secret: you will like the ‘real’ you, AND so will others, just give them a chance to see it.

 

 

PS: if you’re in a relationship and reading this, kudos to you that’s awesome!!!  I’m sorry if I’ve made you long to be single again…actually, no I’m not. We hear all about how good you’re relationships are and you’re the reason we get jealous, so…yeah. Haha.

No hard feelings right?

That First Step

The First Step

(How guys SORTA see it)

 

Guys are simple. They are not too complex. They like to be told things straight - black and white- and none of this ‘airy fairy’ stuff us girls are infamous for.

With this newfound knowledge, (let’s be honest ladies it’s probably not that newfound, we already kinda knew that guys were simple) it comes as little surprise, that when it’s about relationships/friendships, guys like to be told straight and direct too. They like to know where they sit with girls, none of this beating around the bush.

Now before we jump in a little bit deeper,

                                                Deeper,

                                                            Deeper….

Drat! Now we’re too deep. Oh well, I guess since we’re here, I’ll just have to spill.

Girls. What I am about to say is totally going against everything we have ever been taught from our sisters, mothers and of course, Nicholas Sparks movie adaptions.  But, guys would REALLY appreciate it immensely, if instead of playing our little flirty games (aka. playing hard to get) we were just direct and straight to the point.

“If you like him, tell him”, if he’s potential test the waters with a bit of flirting and see how he responds. If it’s a positive and he’s still talking to you at the end, despite your creepy stares and Cheshire cat grin. It could mean one of three things:

1.      He enjoys talking to you.

2.      You’re a fun person to be around. Stop over analysing the situation and just enjoy it. You’re awesome anyway!

3.      He’s actually only waiting until you’ll finish talking so he can tell you you’ve got a piece of spinach in your tooth (cringe worthy moment 101.)

 

Okay that’s not really that helpful…

 

Let’s look at it like this:

 Guys like to think that they are the initiator, that they’re the ones chasing, making the first moves etc. But do you want to know a little secret ladies? In reality we are.

 

WOAH, WOAH, WOAH POP THE SHOTGUN DOWN, and let me explain.

Imagine this stereotypical scenario: woman sees an attractive man and decides to walk past him, “conveniently” drops handkerchief. The man sees that she’s dropped it and being the gentleman he is, picks it up and chases after her to return it.

Notice how it started. It wasn’t the man who instigated it, it was the woman. SHE, seeing he was a very attractive man and being the sly chica she is, intentionally dropped the handkerchief which left the man with the option to pursue her.

Women, I understand your heart is probably bubbling with fury at such a proposition (mine did too when my guy friends told me that a girl should be the one to tell the guy they like them), but bear with me.

 

You see, guys aren’t as picky as us girls. They don’t whip out the list of ’35 qualities someone must have before I even date them card.’ To be honest when most guys meet a girl (or so I’ve been told by many men) they actually take her into consideration and see her as a ‘potential’. It’s from here that if they get a feeling she might be into them as well, and they are attracted to her, then maybe, just maybe, they might pluck up the courage to ask her out.

But blimey, that must be scary! Telling a girl you like her!

 It’d be like lighting a firework, you’d have no idea if it would be a flop or go off with a bang, because ladies, the reality is we are just so darn picky! We flirt with guys we friend zone, we flirt with guys we like, one moment we’re attracted to them, the next we’re not. It’s BECAUSE of this frivolous behaviour I have come to the conclusion that, ladies we need to wo ‘man’ up and tell a guy if we find him attractive.

End of Story

Wait it’s not actually finishe…d. Ah poos, their goes half of you!

Still not feeling it? Well believe it or not, all the guys that I have talked to have said they think their feelings towards a girl would grow more and they’d feel  more attracted to a girl, if she came straight out and told them she liked them. If this isn’t a good incentive to tell them, I’m not sure what is.

Finally, ladies, just to let you know we are totally in this together. When the guys told me about this I found it SO challenging because I have a tendency to  just sit back from afar and be like ‘ooo I like that person’, and not do anything about it, instead waiting for them to ‘make the first move’, so I guess I too have to be a bit more bold and communicate my feelings a bit more effectively. So defs no hate if you’re afraid or nervous, that makes two of us.