Spring cleaning. It
has its pits and peaks.
Pit:
Apparently it only comes around in spring, which sucks cause if I left my room
for a whole year without a good spring clean, I think you could comfortably
call me a hoarder.
Peak: Every time you do you uncover some hidden gems;
cell phone charger, hair ties, and your teddy bear you thought had gone off on
some overseas adventure…
So, I guess you could
say spring cleaning does have some perks.
The other day I was doing a bit of a good old clean up, and
came across my folder I put all my written stories into. As you’ve probably
(hopefully) discovered… I like to write, and have for a wee while. Actually,
fun fact, when I was 10 I started to write a book I got about 30 pages into it,
before I decided I just didn’t have the time to continue (don’t ask me why I
didn’t have time, I was 10. I had all the time in the world!).
Anyway in amongst the masses of paper, I uncovered one of
the poems I wrote a little while back (here’s a little snippet):
“You see I looked down
on those I thought I was above,
And in my head,
I started to justify
it as love.
With my distorted
view,
I started to think
that God looked down on us too,
Only able to come and
love a few.
Only those like me,
Who knew the verses,
Who knew the bible,
And in my head I was
the perfect disciple.
It was there I learnt
I was an actor,
I’d put my hands up at
church,
Sing the right notes,
Like that was the only
factor.
But my quest to be
perfect,
To meet the
perfection,
It only led my mind
Into a sickly
infection.
Then I’d turn to God
and point my finger,
Why’d you make me fat?
Why couldn’t I be
smaller?
Because only then,
Could I truly be your daughter.
I’d pray and pray,
Oh God, send me a
boyfriend,
Oh God, send me an
angel,
Because I alone am
unable.
I knew they wouldn’t
help,
I knew it to well,
But my deepest
confessions,
To Him I couldn’t
tell.”
As you have probably gathered, my own perceived judgement of
others and myself was something I was really challenged with when I wrote this
poem. But unlike the poem changing it
wasn’t as easy as spray and wipe, where BAM and the dirt is gone.
You see it’s easy to judge. It’s easy to look down on others,
just because they’re different. I’ll be honest, throughout high school I did
just that, look down on others because I thought I was maybe ‘better’ then
them. I didn’t do drugs, drink or swear, and those I justified were the things
that defined me as ‘better.’
However, looking back it saddens me because I allowed my own
judgements and perceptions to be so important, that it left little room to actually
see people for who they were. Awesome. Unique. Rich in potential.
You see it’s easy for us to look at someone and stamp a
label on. Limit them, or define them. Whether it’s based on actions or their
past, I’ve come to learn that limiting others is toxic.
Like the poem said:
“With my distorted
view,
I started to think
that God looked down on us too,
Only able to come and
love a few.
Only those like me,
Who knew the verses,
Who knew the bible,
And in my head I was
the perfect disciple.”
As horrid as it sounds, I allowed myself to play the role of
God, to be the one who filtered who was good enough. Because of this my
perception of church became the place where all the ‘perfect people’ met. It
seemed like everyone had it altogether. I mean they smiled and seemed happy.
Ironically this contradicted how I actually felt, but I quickly found myself
slipping into an ‘act,’ trying to play the ‘perfect little Christian girl’
cause that would mean my real hurts wouldn’t be discovered. It comes as little
surprise that because of this, I grew bitter towards the idea of ‘church’ as I
lodged my thoughts deeper away.
The irony of it though, was the further I pulled away, the
more distant I felt from God and alone as a whole. The truth is God loves real.
The performance. The façade. Totally irrelevant, and will not change how much
he love us. He sees our hearts, he sees the hurt, and longs to journey with us.
Haha he’s cool like that, when we think no one could ever cope with us, he says
‘try me’.
Since high school I’ve come to the conclusion, that I want
to be more like Jesus (not because of doctrine, or ‘perfect Christian role
model’), but because he was cool. He didn’t allow anything (race, religion,
sexual orientation) to define how much he could love or care for someone. That’s
the kind of person I want to be, one who loves instead of judges.
However unlike spring cleaning, which comes around once a
year, choosing to love instead of judge is a daily decision, but by lying down
my pre-conceived ideas and allowing love to be my driving force, it brings a
lot peace into life.
Take care cool kids, y’all are awesome.
