"I love being Single," said no one....ever.

“I love being Single,” said no one….ever.

 

“I sooooooo want a boyfriend! Someone who I can snuggle up to, and go on cute dates with, and who I can win against in an arm wrestle (because they let me), it would just be so awesome.”

 Now I imagine if you’re anything like me…human? Then there’s a high chance at some point in your life, you’ve been through it, let’s just name it for what it is; the desperate, single moments. Those beautiful moments when you look around and it seems everyone else is in a relationship, and it looks so cute; like they’re off in some fluffy land in the clouds, and then you come back to reality and realise you’re still here. Stuck on the ground, in the rain. Drenched. And alone.

 “Wow thanks,” I imagine you’re saying right now to your pet gecko, “that makes me feel so good about myself.”

But wait, don’t leave yet, I promise there is a silver lining in all this. Trust me.

 

You see, over summer one of my beautiful, a VERY attractive AND still on the market (ultimate wing woman 101), friend and I spontaneously came up with this game called “I’m happy I’m single because… (Insert the cool things you can do if you’re single here):

eg:

 I’m happy I’m single because it means I can go to the cinemas and throw popcorn at couples, who get too PDA-ish and it’s not immature because I’m not trying to impress anyone.

Or

I’m happy I’m single because it means I can go out to dinner half an hour earlier, because I won’t be helping my fashionless boyfriend find SOMETHING else to wear.

And on it goes….

But what was cool about the game was realising that being single ACTUALLY has it perks! Yes it is harder when all your friends are in a relationship or people around you have their little romantic ‘things,’ but I’m coming to learn that realistically, as fun as those things may appear and are, they require a lot of work, time and effort.

Which is why I made a list (love lists), about just some of the perks of Singledom:

1.      Singledom is honestly awesome. It’s a cool period of time where you get to work on you. You get to piece together what you like and what you don’t like. What your passions are. What you want to be when you’re older, and all those important factors.

2.      It is the perfect time to establish and grow into your identity, and being honest, a great time to learn to love yourself. Yes, you are good at what you enjoy doing. Yes, you are talented at that thing. Don’t second guess yourself.

3.      This is a biggie. There is no expectation. You don’t have the pressure to be the perfect girlfriend/boyfriend AND top sports team AND 100% grades AND, while we’re at it, superwoman/man.

4.      Most importantly it is such a critical time to shape who you are as a person.

 I’m gonna be honest, for a long time all through my early teen years I hated being single. All my friends were getting boyfriends and having their first kisses and walking around school together, and it sucked. Legit, it sucked. I felt so out of the loop. But as I got older, something slowly began to change. Although I had never been in relationship, I had seen my friends go through the highs and lows and the break ups, and I saw what an effect these guys had on my friends.

Most of these girls, all strong and beautiful women came out feeling lost and confused, questioning their value. Once again, I reiterate, these girls are stunning! The nicest, prettiest girls, but coming out of the relationship, most of them began to doubt themselves, their beauty and their worth.

 

Looking back now, I am so grateful that I HADN’T (yep, I said it, hard to believe I know) been in a relationship. Sure I would have learnt some really cool things, but I feel more content with myself now, and who I am as a person (I realise this is probably sounding very egotistic at the moment). I know what I like (skiing, writing, reading; if you were curious) and am still learning about the things I’m good at. That’s not to say there aren’t times now, where I wish I had a boyfriend to snuggle up to, of course I would love that, but I am learning that there is still so much I can learn in the place I am right now.

Let’s look at it like this:

If a relationship/business/church/event/whatever is going to function into its fullness, it NEEDS a solid foundation.

I.e.: The motives, goals and values of a company will determine the success of the company.

·         Clear and concise goals and objectives are the factors that change a ‘good’ organisation to a ‘successful’ organisation (learnt that in my PR lecture the other day.)

The same is to be said about a relationship. A relationship isn’t something that starts when you begin/meet someone. It actually starts now, with the most important person: YOU. And it is crucial to remember, that in a dating/engaged relationship you are your own person.

 

It is two INDIVIDUALS coming together, not two HALVES to make a whole, in a relationship.

 

The more I come to grips with this, the more I realise, that out of honour and respect for the guys I will date in future relationships, I need this time of Singledom, to sort myself out enough so I could come into a place where I could cope with my own baggage (insecurities, problems, trials) AND someone else’s.

SO maybe that’s where I leave you today, where are you in your relationship with the most important person in your life: YOU.

·         Are you chasing after the things (sports, academics, music, people etc.) because you love them, or because you feel it is out of obligation?

Lastly, you are actually awesome! I mean that. You are unique, and there is trueness and a beauty concealed within each of you. A little secret: you will like the ‘real’ you, AND so will others, just give them a chance to see it.

 

 

PS: if you’re in a relationship and reading this, kudos to you that’s awesome!!!  I’m sorry if I’ve made you long to be single again…actually, no I’m not. We hear all about how good you’re relationships are and you’re the reason we get jealous, so…yeah. Haha.

No hard feelings right?

That First Step

The First Step

(How guys SORTA see it)

 

Guys are simple. They are not too complex. They like to be told things straight - black and white- and none of this ‘airy fairy’ stuff us girls are infamous for.

With this newfound knowledge, (let’s be honest ladies it’s probably not that newfound, we already kinda knew that guys were simple) it comes as little surprise, that when it’s about relationships/friendships, guys like to be told straight and direct too. They like to know where they sit with girls, none of this beating around the bush.

Now before we jump in a little bit deeper,

                                                Deeper,

                                                            Deeper….

Drat! Now we’re too deep. Oh well, I guess since we’re here, I’ll just have to spill.

Girls. What I am about to say is totally going against everything we have ever been taught from our sisters, mothers and of course, Nicholas Sparks movie adaptions.  But, guys would REALLY appreciate it immensely, if instead of playing our little flirty games (aka. playing hard to get) we were just direct and straight to the point.

“If you like him, tell him”, if he’s potential test the waters with a bit of flirting and see how he responds. If it’s a positive and he’s still talking to you at the end, despite your creepy stares and Cheshire cat grin. It could mean one of three things:

1.      He enjoys talking to you.

2.      You’re a fun person to be around. Stop over analysing the situation and just enjoy it. You’re awesome anyway!

3.      He’s actually only waiting until you’ll finish talking so he can tell you you’ve got a piece of spinach in your tooth (cringe worthy moment 101.)

 

Okay that’s not really that helpful…

 

Let’s look at it like this:

 Guys like to think that they are the initiator, that they’re the ones chasing, making the first moves etc. But do you want to know a little secret ladies? In reality we are.

 

WOAH, WOAH, WOAH POP THE SHOTGUN DOWN, and let me explain.

Imagine this stereotypical scenario: woman sees an attractive man and decides to walk past him, “conveniently” drops handkerchief. The man sees that she’s dropped it and being the gentleman he is, picks it up and chases after her to return it.

Notice how it started. It wasn’t the man who instigated it, it was the woman. SHE, seeing he was a very attractive man and being the sly chica she is, intentionally dropped the handkerchief which left the man with the option to pursue her.

Women, I understand your heart is probably bubbling with fury at such a proposition (mine did too when my guy friends told me that a girl should be the one to tell the guy they like them), but bear with me.

 

You see, guys aren’t as picky as us girls. They don’t whip out the list of ’35 qualities someone must have before I even date them card.’ To be honest when most guys meet a girl (or so I’ve been told by many men) they actually take her into consideration and see her as a ‘potential’. It’s from here that if they get a feeling she might be into them as well, and they are attracted to her, then maybe, just maybe, they might pluck up the courage to ask her out.

But blimey, that must be scary! Telling a girl you like her!

 It’d be like lighting a firework, you’d have no idea if it would be a flop or go off with a bang, because ladies, the reality is we are just so darn picky! We flirt with guys we friend zone, we flirt with guys we like, one moment we’re attracted to them, the next we’re not. It’s BECAUSE of this frivolous behaviour I have come to the conclusion that, ladies we need to wo ‘man’ up and tell a guy if we find him attractive.

End of Story

Wait it’s not actually finishe…d. Ah poos, their goes half of you!

Still not feeling it? Well believe it or not, all the guys that I have talked to have said they think their feelings towards a girl would grow more and they’d feel  more attracted to a girl, if she came straight out and told them she liked them. If this isn’t a good incentive to tell them, I’m not sure what is.

Finally, ladies, just to let you know we are totally in this together. When the guys told me about this I found it SO challenging because I have a tendency to  just sit back from afar and be like ‘ooo I like that person’, and not do anything about it, instead waiting for them to ‘make the first move’, so I guess I too have to be a bit more bold and communicate my feelings a bit more effectively. So defs no hate if you’re afraid or nervous, that makes two of us.

That Awkward Stage...Friend Zone.

Friend zone

(How girls REALLY see it)

Friend zone. We’ve all had some personal experience in this great area of life. Whether it was at school, by a close friend or in kindy, when your crush said he wouldn’t kiss you because you were too ugly…Oh you didn’t have that problem…?  Okay, just me then.

Needless to say, each of us at some point in time has had the honour and heartache of making it into this grey area of a relationship/friendship.

But why is it such a wishy-washy, rarely spoken about topic?

Now as a girl, friend zoning is simple. There are two categories:

 

• Definite ‘Friend zone’: A guy who is totally a friend, there is no attraction whatsoever, and never will be. This is a guy who, if he made a move would get a right old slap across the face, or be deeply scarred by the repulsed look the woman may give him. Guys in this friend zone are safe, because us girls know we don’t have feelings for the guy and so therefore it means he won’t have feelings for us (naïve, I know, but it’s just what we do.)

And then there’s the,

• Other/Potential ‘Friend zone’: This is a tricky one. A girl may say ‘you’re just friends,’ but this doesn’t always mean it’s definite. She may just be experiencing attraction towards you and in order to cope with this, puts you into zone which looks, feels, sounds just like the friend zone. It is SIMILAR to the ‘friend zone, but isn’t the DEFINITE friend zone. This is almost like a POTENTIAL, or box for the guys us girls have a ‘SOFT SPOT’ for. This is why when we play Truth or dare (because we’re all mature young adults) and are asked ‘who we like’ everyone hounds, “saying surely, there’s someone.” Yes there is someone but they are in this ‘potential/soft spot friend zone.’  Every woman has someone in this category.

I imagine by now you’re reading this, shouting at the magazine…”Say what?!? There are two types of friend zone?” Yes, yes there are. I have yet to discover others, so for this period of time I am concluding that these are the dominant two.

After discovering this you can imagine my shock when one of my guy friends said last night, that:

“As soon as a guy thinks he has been friend zoned, he will never go for that girl again.”

This statement obviously took my girl friends and I by surprise, with the initial response being “Crap, but I’ve got plenty of guys who I’ve put into the ‘other friend zone,’ and now you’re telling me they may misinterpret it as DEFINITE FRIEND ZONE, and there will never be a chance…ever!”

So I’m here to clear the air.

Men all over the world (well, probably not the world…I don’t if this magazine has been that widely distributed yet...but who knows what the future holds) regardless, listen to these little things about women I have discovered.

1. Women are complex (you’ve probably already figured this one out on your own, but let it be confirmed.) You will never know everything about us. Besides, we don’t even know everything about us.
2. Now this is a toughie, and not to be applied to every situation, but after to talking to a few girls, they have agreed on this too. If a girl asks for advice about guys, not always, but sometimes this can be a signal that, men, you are NOT FULLY in the friend zone. It does however mean that she trusts you. DON’T JUST ASSUME HER TRUSTING YOU MEANS YOU HAVE BEEN FRIEND ZONED.
3. The best tool you have as a guy is your own instinctual discernment. Men, regardless of what society and media tell you, you are smart and logical! You have a good sense of what’s up, trust your head…but also trust your heart! When you mix the two together you’re unstoppable…well…maybe not unstoppable…oh you get what I mean.
4. Sexually attracted to her=check, and you like her personality, then why not go for it! What’s the worst that will happen?!? The girl will say no, and if she can respect you enough to be honest with you, then that in itself is a testament to why you were attracted to her. Cliché: If it’s right it WILL work out.
5. And finally the best advice I have probably EVER (yes big claim to make) been given! Don’t be someone else’s “No.” eg: “I won’t ask her, cause I know she’ll say no.” What makes you think that?  You haven’t even asked the girl yet, how do you know she’ll say no? You don’t! So stop beating yourself up, you’re better than that, and instead of pondering whether she likes you or not, just hang out with her or ask her on a date and see where it leads. You’re awesome! Believe that!
6. The more I get down this list the more I realise how outlandishly hard it is to compact the woman feelings and thoughts into an easy, step by step guide.

 

Before I go, one final thing:

Men, friend zone to a woman is not the same as friend zone to you. You are not out of the game yet, unless you have asked her and she has openly expressed her feelings, or you’ve tried a move and turned you down. If anything, just get to know the girl. Be her friend, (but don’t friend zone her, just because you assume she has ‘friend zoned’ you,) who knows what could happen from there! Peace and blessings, y’all! Peace and blessings.